Dead by Popular Demand
by Saint Eric
Summary: Example fic for the St. Eric contest. What would Sookie and Eric say to a focus group's demands to rewrite Dead in the Family to please their fans? How crazy would the fan demands get? What would that book look like? Find out!


_Disclaimer: All creative rights belong to Charlaine Harris. Stereotypes and memes belong to the community - I don't think she wants them.  
_

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A small, non-descript man walked into a bar he'd only read about. Fangtasia. It was almost unreal to him, to finally be here when he'd read so much about it. The only thing that would blow his mind more was going to a little farmhouse, out in the middle of the Northern Louisiana woods. But he was here for a purpose, and he had to be as business-like as possible. They weren't going to like this. Not one bit.

In front of him, standing by their seats at a small table in the empty bar, were two blondes he'd read so much about. He nodded to them both, knowing not to shake the vampire's hand, and keeping his hands off the woman would stop her reading his mind as well. It was only polite.

"Sookie, Eric, so glad that you would meet with me."

The soul of Southern hospitality, Sookie gestured to a seat, "Please sit, Mr. Rerite."

Mr. Rerite sat down, and hoped that she couldn't hear his prayers too loudly, and that the vampire couldn't smell too much fear on him. The couple sat down as well, ready to listen to what he had to say.

Mr. Rerite took a big breath, "I'll get right to the point. We've been told that the original writer, Charlaine Harris, just isn't giving the fans what they want. It's been suggested - more than once I might add - that the Sookie Stackhouse books should be written according to what the fans want. That it should go to a focus group type situation, and there should be much polling and talking about outcomes that are the most commercially viable and satisfying."

He paused, took a breath and ploughed on.

"Now, from what I can see from our feedback, you probably are going to have problems with this - both of you. I've got a couple of scenes for us to play out, but most of the stuff, I'll just be telling you about, and we'll act it all out so that I can write it all down later, okay?"

Both Eric and Sookie nodded their assent, neither checking with the other if it was okay with them. Sookie didn't ask once for Eric's permission to agree to this, which shocked him slightly. Nevertheless, Mr. Rerite knew it was going to go very badly for him if he didn't get any assurances.

"I need you both to understand that I am only the messenger in this. I quite like the original books, and the author's ideas. But I've been hired to do a job. That job is to re-write the original books until they are what the fans want. If you were to say.." he glanced for a moment at Eric, but then looked fixedly at Sookie, "take a dim view and kill me for what I am going to say, then I would be dead, and another man would take my place. It wouldn't stop this process, or change the minds of some of the fans in any way. "

Sookie leaned over, and patted his hand while turning to the vampire. "I can assure you that we will not hold anything against you, isn't that right honey?"

Eric looked for a moment at Sookie, and Mr. Rerite could see the fondness on his face, before turning again to face the man. "Indeed. You will leave here unharmed. I give you my word."

Breathing out a gusty bellow of relief, Mr. Rerite smiled at them both. "Okay! That's fantastic. Well, as you know, my name is Mr. Rerite. I prefer not to go by my first name. My parents were...not kind people, and there was a little fight over whether or not they wished to have me. As a result, I've always been of the firm belief that life and death decisions - which I'm sure you can both appreciate - should not be made while you're angry or trying to make a point to someone else. My parents didn't feel that way, and they...well, they called me Crappe."

He paused, as such a man does, waiting for the inevitable snickers, but neither of them laughed at him - not even a little. "So overall, I prefer just to be called by my last name. But, I want you not to stand on formality, so we'll leave it just at Rerite, shall we?"

He heard the murmur of "Mmm-hmm" from the human, and the somewhat grunt of assent from the vampire. "Like I said, I have a couple of scenes here that I'll be jotting down, and I'll be taking notes when need be. Let's get to it, shall we?"

They both nodded, and Rerite put his briefcase onto the table. He opened it, and handed them both two pieces of paper from its depths.

"This is our first do-over. This is already written, because it can't be spontaneous. We're going to let you ad-lib a little in some of the scenes, but in some of the scenes, we need you to stick to the script. I'm going to record this on a digicam so that I can write down facial expressions later, so try not to scowl. I'll be putting you in far more glamorous clothes for this scene anyway, but our budget didn't allow for five thousand dollar designer duds, so we're just going to fudge it a bit, and put you in something tasteful, classy and understated. We'll be making sure that we put you in a romantic restaurant and all that sort of thing – you know – somewhere where it makes it _special_." Rerite whipped out the digicam from his briefcase and set it up to point at them both. Here went nothing...

"We need to redo the scene where you finally tell Eric you love him. The group felt you didn't give them enough Sookie. You weren't really into it."

Sookie looked down at the piece of paper and then glanced at Eric every so often, trying to keep the frown off her face.

"I adore you. I can't live without you. I can't stop thinking about you every minute of my day. I need you to live. I yearn for your presence. I want you always. I dream of you when I'm asleep. I value every single bit of you. I'm absolutely devoted to you and everything you want. I'm yours forever. I'm blessed by your presence every single moment of my life. You are my heart's desire, my reason for living, my precious, my life, my strength, my treasure, the light of my life. You're my everything. You're the reason I go on living. You complete me the ways no one ever has before or ever will again. You are all I want, the one for me, the love of my life. I love you with my body, with my heart, with my soul. Without you, Eric Northman, I am nothing. I love you so much."

Eric, who hadn't blinked in the entire time that Sookie read out her statement, looked down at his paper. "Ditto."

Rerite clapped his hands enthusiastically, "Great! Thanks guys."

Sookie held out her hand, stopping him and said, ""Wait! Why did I have to say that long bit and then he gets to say ditto?"

Rerite gave her a small smile, and set off to explaining what the feedback had told him.

"Well, the last time, he said that he'd say the same thing as you if asked and that he thought that meant he loved you. They liked that. It was you they had a problem with."

Sookie's eyes almost bugged out of her head. "Are you serious? "

"Oh quite. They felt that what you said lacked something, so this time we're covering all the bases. Since they didn't mind that he said ditto last time, why change what works?"

"I'm lost for words."

Eric chimed in, "At least I don't have to talk about my feelings."

Sookie turned to glare at the vampire, and Rerite considered that she certainly had guts. Shouldn't she be cowering in fear of the man that she loved? The focus group wouldn't like to see her like this. He wouldn't write this down.

"It's never you who talks, is it?" She turned to Rerite, "Did they even get on him for sitting down for the talk and making it about zones?"

"Yes," Rerite said, "They said that was boring."

Rerite didn't know what you called the vampire equivalent of eye rolling, but he thought he just saw a flicker of disbelief, which was as good as a human rolling their eyes and sighing in a dramatic manner. Eric followed that with, "Really. They're going to hate the next original book, and we'll be back here again. Did they not wonder why I told Sookie with such urgency?"

"Not at all. They're convinced that the original writer doesn't plan anything when she says she's flying by the seat of her pants."

With further incredulity Eric said, "Even though I mentioned my maker in the last original book, and he turned up in the next original book? Have they not learned to think about why something might be included in the original writing?"

Rerite hesitated, "Well..."

Pressing his point, "Despite the fact that I don't like talking about my feelings, or giving away information, so if I mention something it might be important? Despite telling Sookie that she might pay for her ignorance about zones?" Eric raised one eyebrow with a slightly mocking grin on his face.

Rerite whipped out a notepad out of nowhere. "Ooh! I'm writing that down. They love the leering and eyebrow raising."

Instantly, Eric's face went blank, and all expression was gone. It resembled a piece of stone.

"Yeah don't do that. Can't use it, " Rerite said.

Eric said through his straight lipped mouth, "I will do what I wish. I will not be a dancing eyebrow for worthless creatures such as these."

Sookie put her hand over Eric's on the table and said, "Honey, don't drop your contractions. Back to the thing about zones. I thought it was boring too."

Eric turned to her and asked "Do you think that didn't occur to me?"

She shrugged. "I guess."

Rerite eyed them warily, but that was all they had to say. He really needed Sookie to throw some sort of tantrum. The focus group was always talking about the tantrums she'd thrown, and he hadn't seen one in the last twenty minutes. Eric had just disagreed with her, and Rerite was looking forward to her stamping her foot and telling Eric off. He could only remember one time she'd been angry enough with Eric to do that, but if he could 'cure' her of her tantrums on the page by exhorting Eric to tell her off, it would play wonderfully with the group. Maybe even get Pam to give her a good lecture or something. Rerite knew that if he pushed hard enough, he could get her to lose her temper. It was only a matter of time, and then he would pounce...although not literally or Eric would probably rip his head right off his shoulders.

"Eric, I've been told you're not on the page enough."

"But I was on many pages in the first attempt. How can you put me on the page some more?"

"I'm going to record everything you do every minute. You're a very exciting character. You love the action moments."

"They do realise the rest of the time I do boring things like paperwork and being dead for the day, do they not?"

"Look, I just do what I'm told. Frankly, I'm glad I'm not the director of the mini-series. That focus group wants your human stand-in on the screen some more. He's currently filming ten straight hours of him in a bed...although the actor has his shirt off, I don't think ten hours of that is going to win any awards from the film industry, except that it's going to be the longest and most boring episode in history."

"Then I agree to this. Sookie needs to sleep, so she will need to leave us now."

Rerite stood off a little to the side, and watched them kiss, and say goodbye. Out of nowhere, Pam appeared to take Sookie home. Sookie waved to him as she went out the door. He didn't see the harm in waving back. With Sookie gone, Eric seemed altogether colder.

"Come. Fascinate the fans with some scintillating paperwork I must do for the bar."

"Er...doesn't Pam do that?"

Eric paused in his step and looked at Rerite.

"Why would I give that job to Pam? She doesn't even have an office. She can't manage the front podium and do paperwork."

"Oh. Alright. "

Over the next two hours, Rerite diligently recorded every pen stroke on the paperwork, and jotted down the short phone call made to a Sheriff in Area Two about another vampire that had transferred to Area Five.

Finally Eric turned to him and said, "I hope that was worth it."

Rerite shrugged. "It pays the bills. I don't know if this is what the focus group had in mind, but I have to go on what they say they want. You don't have an employee who does this stuff for you?"

"Then why would I have an office if not to do paperwork?"

Before he could think, Rerite blurted, "For fucking fangbangers?"

Eric turned completely in his chair and gave the small man a glacial stare. Through clenched teeth he asked, "Have you read the permaboner story?"

"No, no!" he said frantically, looking guilty, even to non-vampire eyes. Quickly he covered any admission he might make, "But the focus group expressed concern that fangbangers come here, and Sookie has yet to get a pledge of fidelity from you."

"I tried to break her up with Bill by sending a fangbanger to him in the first book. Bill knew that. I am well aware of the effects of infidelity."

"Well, still. We need to have you promise."

"Very well. There's going to be a lot of talking that doesn't solve anything. We're bonded and she's a telepath. I couldn't hide it. How idiotic do these fans believe me to be that I would pursue Sookie only to fail at something so simple?"

"Pretty idiotic. But you're surrounded by women who would do anything to get you."

"Men as well."

"What do you mean 'men as well'?"

"I have made love to men and women. I learned there were no limits long ago."

"But you don't test as gay. You're so...masculine and in charge."

Eric cocked an eyebrow, "Masculine and in charge is something quite a few men like."

With almost morbid curiosity - which Rerite considered was appropriate when talking to someone who was a corpse during the day - he probed, "Well still, you don't like men, surely? Sookie talks about you seeming very straight."

"I like variety, and have nothing against sleeping with men even if it isn't my first choice. I believe I'm the only male vampire on the page to kiss other men, as well as Sookie."

"Well, we're just sticking to women for the pledge of fidelity."

"It makes no difference to me. I swear that I will not have sex with other women," Eric intoned, looking almost bored with his own words.

"Could you at least call them vermin? Or talk about how they do not deserve to live on the same world as your magnificent Sookie, or something?"

"No. Sookie does not like me to talk about humans in this way. Racial hatred is not nice. Even Pam knows that. When she calls the fangbangers vermin, she reassures Sookie by telling her that they like being called that. As my wife is mostly human, I try not to talk about her race in this way."

"But..."

"This meeting and this conversation is over. I am going home, where my wife is waiting for me. We will discuss more of this later on tomorrow."

Without waiting for any kind of assent from Rerite, or asking if he could watch and take notes, Eric swept out the door. Rerite sat down and wrote it down, trying to capture the full sweep of a six foot four ancient Viking vampire. He could insert them as chapter breaks.

Rerite gathered his things, and went to his hotel room to prepare for the battle ahead of him the next night.

..*..*..*..*..*..*..

Rerite had spent the day sleeping, relaxing and checking over his notes. He knew he had a lot to get through this night, and a will of iron to do it. Hopefully they could move past this and get on with re-doing the original book, and his work would be over. He'd never considered himself a butcher before, but now, he felt some guilt that he was ruining something. He put such thoughts aside so that he could do his job.

He walked into Fangtasia with his head held high. There was no sense in defeating himself. Readers had clamoured for it, and it would be done. The focus group would have their way.

Sookie and Eric were again sitting at one of the tables, looking a little more gun-shy than they had the previous night.

"Okay, glad to see you both made it. Mostly tonight, we're going to be talking about how I'm going to act out the do-over of the original writing. Now, first things first, we're going to be cutting a couple of characters."

"One not cut in the original? Not Bruno Brazell again?" Eric asked.

"No," said Rerite, "Bill for one. There was too much Bill in the last one. We're also cutting all that Sam time out of the new re-write. It was boring apparently."

Sookie jumped to the shifter's defence, as predicted. "Well what are you going to do with Sam?"

"We've decided to turn him into a voice-activated robot. When you speak to him, he'll tell you something pithy that will help you, or pay you for your work."

"What?" Sookie looked shocked.

Rerite gave her a withering look. "Well we can't have him taking valuable page time from Eric. It's not as if you'll need a job when you move in with Eric."

"What? When am I moving in with Eric?"

"The readers wanted that in the third chapter."

Eric looked a little taken aback. "But I didn't offer for her to move in."

"Yes you did. You told her she could come when the fairy war is on. She foolishly refused."

"Foolish, true. What woman wouldn't want to live with me? I've had countless women ask for it," Eric said with a hint of a smile.

With a look of consternation, Sookie asked, "Did you want any of them to move in?"

"No."

"Why'd they want to move in?"

"So I'd give them money and turn them."

"Well I don't need your money and I don't want to be turned."

Rerite interjected into this back and forth, "I think the focus group thought you were foolish because you got tortured shortly after that. If you'd moved into Eric's house it wouldn't have happened." He watched Sookie's face harden with resignation and resentment.

In a cold voice, one Rerite didn't like very much, Eric said with brutal simplicity, "Unfortunately, Victor knew where I lived. He would have stopped me there. The fae torturers would have had the advantage of daytime as well."

"Nevertheless, the focus group thought that it would have been in Sookie's best interests to do that. It was her own fault she got tortured," Rerite pressed on, no matter how badly it was being received.

Sookie finally spoke, and something in her sounded, well…dead. "They are aware of places like Tibet, right, where people get tortured for their convictions to do what they wish?"

"Yes, but presumably they feel it's their fault for being different," Rerite said in a calm tone.

"So because I'm different I deserved it?" Sookie's voice shook a little as she said it.

With more obvious distaste for what he was saying, Rerite answered, "That does seem to be the gist of it, yes. As well as you should have done what Eric said."

Quick to get his hands off that train wreck, Eric interjected, "I didn't tell her to do anything. I asked her."

Rerite turned to Sookie. "You knew the fairies were out to get you, and you didn't do anything."

"I did do something. I called Eric and asked for the King's protection."

"Yes, but it wasn't enough."

"How was I supposed to know it wouldn't be enough and there were fairies who wanted to torture me out there in my yard?"

"They wanted to hurt you. You knew this."

A mild look of alarm crossed Eric's face before he carefully composed blank blandness. "I hope this focus group don't have ties to the Fellowship of the Sun. I'm different too. You didn't give them any detail about where I live did you?"

"It's very vague in the original writing Eric. The Fellowship won't burn you while you sleep," Rerite assured him.

"What about when I was tortured by Sigebert? Would they have left me then, while Sookie put herself at risk to save me?"

"We didn't ask them about that, so you should probably take that as something you could have done differently, and definitely your fault."

Eric's voice was heating up a little and he leaned forward slightly. "How could I have done it differently?"

Rerite stated the obvious. "By staying at your house, judging by what they wanted Sookie to do."

"Sigebert knew where I lived."

"Well, it needs to be a better house then - fortified and with metal shutters."

Eric reeled back. "That sounds like a trap, not a house. I don't wish to be trapped in something that will burn to the ground. Vampires are very flammable you know."

Sookie snapped out of the daze she was in. "All the vampires who come into my house scope out the exits. They don't like being trapped. They go up like a tinderbox when fire gets them."

"It's alright, we'll make it fireproof too, because we have to re-write you a new house," Rerite reassured them.

Eric looked affronted. "What's wrong with my house?"

"Not big and grand enough. You're Sheriff, and you're rich," Rerite told him as if it was obvious.

Warily, Eric asked, "How big and grand are we talking about?"

"At least like an old plantation house so Sookie can feel like she's gotten her dream house. They have about four bedrooms."

"Why would I have bought a house with four bedrooms when I am one vampire? When real estate is not a good investment? How is that good camouflage for hiding?"

"Forget about that Eric. You just need a big grand house."

"Sounds like you're saddling me with a money pit that will be a target," he grumped.

Thankfully, Sookie got Rerite out of the hole he'd dug himself. "So. I'm supposed to turn up at his door with some suitcases in the third chapter?"

"I suppose so."

" What am I going to do for a job?"

"The group wondered why you need a job. Eric's rich. He'll give you money."

"What do I do with my time then? He's not up until dark, and Sam's a robot now."

I don't know. What do you normally do with your days?

"Clean my house, work, read and sunbathe. Take out work and it doesn't amount to much."

"Well you can spend your days cleaning Eric's house, reading and sunbathing."

Sookie said with great incredulity, "This is what they want to read about? What brand of cleaner I use?"

Rerite hesitated. "Well, no. But it can be summed up in one sentence."

"Well what am I supposed to talk to Eric about when he wakes up? You know, all that stuff about what I did with my day? Won't I bore him with reading, sunbathing and cleaning every day for the rest of my life?"

With a slight laugh in his voice, Eric said, "You can spend all that time thinking of ways in which to tell me how awe inspiring I am, and cleaning the many rooms I have no need for. "

Sookie scowled at him. "Laugh now. I can't wait to load you up like a little vampire pack mule."

"You will do no such thing," Eric said coldly.

"Actually, that's a great idea. I can write at least a chapter on the flexing of your arms Eric. The focus group said they'd love to read about that," Rerite said with some excitement.

Now it was Sookie's turn to smile at Eric's scowl. "Yep. I'm officially looking forward to _that_."

Rerite shook his head. "You can't watch. Feedback tells us you think too much about sex with Eric. The group feels that maybe that's the only thing you like about him."

Sookie held up a hand. "Hold up. They want to read more about how beautiful he is, but I'm in the same room with him and I'm not allowed to think about it so much?"

"That just about sums it up," Rerite said with a shrug.

Eric broke out into a huge grin and sat up slightly taller.

"Yeah, keep it up buddy. Next original writing, I'll close my eyes when you're in the room and make you speak into a tube."

Eric's grin faltered slightly.

"Back to the original subject. What am I going to do for money?"

With an air of gloating, Eric said, "I will give it to you, wife."

Sookie glared at him. Rerite shook his head.

"Actually Eric, the focus group would like you to stop calling her your wife. They revert back to identifying you by the bond. No one called you her husband."

All traces of Eric's smile were now gone.

Sookie did a fist pump. "That's because he's not. Not really. I was surprised married vampire style and he told me it was political."

"The focus group sort of agreed with you Sookie, for once. But they're waiting for a real wedding - a human wedding."

In his most persuasive voice, all smooth and deep, Eric said, "She is my wife. I told her in the original writing that she's my wife in the only way that matters to me. Could you not reason with them that she is too demanding?"

"The focus group thinks she might be able to leave you if you're vampire married and not human married."

Eric's face was a picture of confusion. "As opposed to the human marriage, where the woman isn't allowed to leave? Wasn't divorce legal before vampires were given the rights to marry?"

"Well, yes, but I think the focus group fears that she might decide to marry someone else in a human ceremony at some time."

Eric said, with some outrage, "Who would she marry then? Has some other man asked her? What man has no pride that he would marry a woman I call my wife already?"

Rerite knew he would have to go through the list. He started with the least likely first. "Bill?"

"You never told me you thought about marrying Bill, Sookie. Did he ask you?"

Sookie rolled her eyes. "Eric. He didn't ask. I said clearly that I didn't feel anything for him in the original writing."

"Then who, Rerite? I should know my competition."

"Remy?"

"I said in all of the original books that it can't be a human. I also said that Remy was frightened of me because I could read his mind. Ya know, like humans are?"

"Quinn?"

"I keep breaking up with him. One day I'll find the magic words to make it clear. Also, he's banned from the state because someone has trust and control issues."

Not one muscle moved on Eric's face, but Rerite felt the air fill with a smidgeon of agitation at the mention of the were-tiger. He ploughed on.

"Sam?"

"He's dating Jannalynn, I told him I was married to Eric and in love with Eric."

Eric grinned.

Sookie looked at him out of the corner of her eye, as if she knew through magical peripheral vision what was going on. "Oh Eric stop gloating."

With a hint of trepidation, Eric asked, "Well he's not going to be asking you to marry him then. You're not even dating. Are you dating someone else?"

"No! Do you think I'm suicidal? Pam would _kill_ me. She's already told me that you don't like my cousin in my house."

Eric waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "I can live with it."

With all too much of a hint of sass and standing up for herself for Rerite's taste, Sookie snarked, "Nice to know that it meets with your approval, with it being my house and my decision. Did I need permission for Amelia to live there too?"

"She's a woman," Eric scoffed.

"Claude's my cousin Eric! I'm not sleeping with my cousin!"

Rerite interjected, "Neave and Lochlan were brother and sister and they had sex."

With some outrage, Sookie said, "What makes you think I'm anything like them?" She turned back to Eric. "Anyway, Amelia's bisexual Eric. She slept with Pam. Why wouldn't you be jealous of Amelia too?"

"You're not a lesbian."

"Neither is Amelia. Pam wasn't when you met her either."

"I rely on you not to sleep with women."

In a manner that screamed frustration, Sookie scoffed, "You're dead for the day and can't feel me in the bond while you're dead. You rely on me to not sleep with anyone but you."

Frowning, Eric said, "I do. I did try to get you to yield to me many times while you were with others. It did not work."

Throwing her hands up, Sookie exclaimed, "Possessive vampires!"

"Well, are others trying to get you to yield to them?" Eric asked, with an inquiring note in his voice.

"Of course they are. It didn't work for you Eric. Why would it work for them?"

"It wouldn't."

"Then I don't know what anyone is worried about. But I'm still not calling myself your wife."

"You are my wife."

Lest they go round in circles all day, Rerite said, "Let's settle this, kids. You're getting married. It's what the focus group wants."

Sookie crossed her arms. Rerite hoped for a tantrum and a foot stamp, but the telepath was seemingly reluctant. "Well is Eric going to ask this time? Or is he just going to take me on a surprise date to a registry office?"

Eric's face lit up. "I like that idea."

Rerite shook his head. "You can't do that Eric. You must be more romantic. The focus group is sure you're more romantic than that."

Sookie snorted. "Based on what?"

Rerite shuffled through his notes. "Ah...let's see. He saved you from Long Shadow."

"Then he looked like he wanted to eat me. How's that romantic?" she snapped.

"It just is. He could have let you be killed."

"That'd be a short book. Is just 'not letting people die' romantic?"

Eric looked heartened. "I like that style of romance."

Turning her displeasure on Eric now, Sookie asked, "Well then, you stopped Tara from being killed by Mickey. Are you trying to court her?"

Rerite shook his head. "No, no. You asked him to do that."

She responded still in a snappy voice, "Do they think he did it out of the goodness of his heart and his affection for me?"

"No," Eric said with a beatific smile, "I finally got you to tell me about what happened at your house while I was cursed. You wouldn't tell me."

With a wry tone, Sookie responded, "Boy, you're a real giver. Do they forget that he didn't say anything romantic that night, other than he wasn't sure if he should kill me or arouse me?"

Rerite checked his notes again to be sure he had this right. "They're sure it would have been arouse."

"I hadn't decided," Eric said.

Rerite reasserted the focus group's viewpoint. "It would have been arouse. Eric wouldn't kill you."

"Yeah. Sure. He's been killing people for a thousand years, threatened to kill me, but I should have been sure he wanted to have sex with me and not the other?" Sookie scoffed at his assertion.

"I did think about killing you," Eric said again, just in case they misheard him.

Sookie patted his arm. "I got the memo the first time round honey."

Rerite read from his notes. "He was grazing his fangs along your neck."

Sookie's agitation was increasing, "What does that even mean? Are they acquainted with how vampires kill people? They don't do it with a knife."

"Alexei did. But he was insane. I'm not. I wouldn't have wasted you like that."

"Eric, that's counter productive and _not_ comforting. It's _not_ romantic either."

Rerite had to correct this woman before she took this to a logical conclusion, which would get him nowhere. "The fact of the matter is that the fact he doesn't kill you should tell you how he feels."

"He's not a blender with settings! He's a vampire. He's mostly _not_ killing people."

"I don't like the trouble with the BVA that killing causes. But I do like the idea of not having to tell you anything to show my feelings," Eric said with pragmatic zeal.

Sookie scowled, "He has an entire bar of humans he doesn't kill every night."

"The focus group felt that you should feel lucky and honoured that he doesn't kill you, when he clearly could."

"How loved are you feeling right now Rerite? Thinking about moving in on my man?"

Seeing a hint that maybe something would go very wrong here with the logic of her statements, Rerite asked, "W…what do you mean?"

"Well he's not killing you. Is he in love with you, do you think?"

"Uhh..."

"I don't love him Sookie," Eric told her.

"But apparently it shows you love me Eric."

Eric knew he was in a tight spot, and went for truth, "Does it matter that like most humans I don't care if he lives or dies?"

Rerite attempted to get them back on track before he built up more resentment. By the time he was finished, there would be a plethora of resentment for the both of them. "Probably not. But, to get back to the original subject, a wedding."

"Do we get any say in this?" Sookie asked.

"Not really. The focus group wants a big wedding with all of your friends."

Sookie started counting off on her fingers. "Well, that's Jason and Michelle, they tolerate Eric, Sam...who's a robot, Bill, Pam, Amelia, JB and Tara...who don't like vampires, Claude and Dermot...who are fairies...that'll be good for Pam. I don't know about big though. That's ten people."

Rerite frowned. "Well what about all the vampires in Eric's Area?"

"Eric said they all spy on each other. I don't think they count as _friends_."

"Well what about the weres, shifters and other people you've met over time. Mr. Cataliades for example."

"When has a big gathering of supernatural creatures of different types ever gone down with no threat of violence?" Sookie asked in an obvious tone.

"Ummmm..."

Sookie saw her advantage and continued to press. "Tell me. I want to go to one of those. One where everyone filters quietly out to their cars instead of fleeing for their lives. The only gathering I went to that ended peacefully was the one at Pam's house before the Witch War and well, that was a war meeting."

"Well..."

Eric backed her up, no doubt in hopes of getting out of a human wedding, "She's right you know. Can my costuming include a sword?"

Rerite jumped on that right away. "Eric you can't have a sword with you at your own wedding!"

Eric grumped. "I had one at Sophie Anne's wedding. So did Sophie Anne."

"I want the theme to be plastic sheeting. I don't want to be stuck with the clean-up bill," Sookie said.

Rerite scowled at them both. "You two aren't being very romantic."

Eric shrugged. "We're both just being practical."

Sookie waved a hand at Rerite and the room in general. "By all means, let's have the white dress splattered with blood. The honeymoon can start as we flee for our lives."

Eric grumped again, "I don't flee if I don't have to. If I have a sword I won't have to."

"You're not having a sword!" Rerite said in an exasperated tone.

"We'll flee together, sweetie. Sounds romantic to me," Sookie smiled at Eric, and leant over to him to kiss his lips.

Rerite was appalled. This wasn't going at all well. "You two are impossible. The wedding will go off without a hitch."

With a snort, Sookie said, "If you say so. Why is all of this important to the focus group anyway?"

"They're worried you haven't committed to Eric enough. You might decide to go with someone else, and there's three books to go."

Eric actually rolled his eyes at this statement. "Do they think she's going to make up her mind on the last page of the last book? I thought all of this was because they wanted to see our relationship progressing."

"Well they just doubt she'll stay with you."

"Why?" Sookie asked.

"Because you want children and a normal life. They're sure it'll be Sam."

"You've cured that by making him a robot. Robots aren't known for their mess of children."

"You still want children and a normal life."

"I also wish I wasn't a telepath," Sookie pointed out.

"Oh no, you stay a telepath," Rerite said.

With a wistful look, she said, "I could go with a miraculous cure so I could sit back, relax and have a normal life."

"No, they want you to come to terms with being a supernatural creature," Rerite said.

"Ha! Like travelling through my woods at night with all the _other_ supernatural creatures was easy for me. My disability is just that. It's not a supernatural power," Sookie told him.

"She's right you know," Eric stated. "It translates to her getting used by everyone. It's the opposite of a power."

"Well what about if you worked for people? You know, charged them money for it," Rerite suggested.

"I prefer the non-money way, where I can't be compromised because in part, they rely on my good will to do it again."

"You could work as a telepath, hire yourself out and make deals," Rerite said, trying to get her to see things his way.

"There's no telepath alliance to force them to stick to deals. I'd have to use vampires as my backup...and look how well that goes."

"Vampires would be very careful to protect you and keep you from harm," Rerite said, while looking surreptitiously at his papers.

"In what alternate reality would that be?" Sookie asked.

"Well Eric has saved you a lot," Rerite said.

"I have saved her from death time and time again," Eric said with a nod.

"So he has," Sookie said. "But in between here and death there's a lot of scope for injury."

Rerite shrugged. "Well Eric can just heal that with his blood."

"He's not a gumball machine! Anyway, I'd still have to be in pain for a while...so no thanks."

"Well, the focus group wants you to realise your potential, and start helping out vampires," Rerite said. "So, we're going to have a scene where someone steals money from King Felipe, and rather than being as stupid as you were when you made the deal with Eric, you're going to tell Felipe what he wants to know."

She frowned. "So saving people's lives is stupid? I thought it was romantic." Sookie looked like she'd had a revelation. With narrowed eyes, she said "Was this focus group human? Or were they cleverly disguised vampires?

"No, they were human," Rerite assured her.

"It's stupid if it's not your life," Rerite said. "It's perfectly okay to let humans who can't do anything to help you personally die. Think Arlene – she had the right idea. Death for a purpose – like making your boyfriend happy."

"So how do they feel about me letting Eric kill them if they don't do what he wants, or I want?"

"Well, of course, they'd be excited about that, or they should be."

Eric with an intense curiosity asked, "Were they like those little rodents that drop over cliffs? I would freely kill them, such worthless creatures." Eric's fangs dropped, and he smiled a most predatory way about the idea of inflicting pain and hurt on the humans who had put him in this situation.

"Eric, don't get excited," Sookie admonished him. "That creeps me out. You're thinking of lemmings. It doesn't matter. I'm not letting any humans get killed if I can help it, no matter how stupid and mean they are."

Rerite was on the verge of whining, "But the moneeey!"

Sookie looked at him coldly. "Since when did stealing have the death penalty?"

Her entire tone brooked no further debate. Rerite tried a different angle. "We found that it polled really well that you should quit your job at Merlotte's."

"I like to work. What can I do to not go crazy?"

"Well we have a range of suggestions from panellists. Many people think you should work as Eric's day man."

Eric shook his head. "He meets me at 5.30am to get his briefing and works during the day. When am I going to have time to see Sookie, since I am up at night?"

"Ah, well, Sookie, do you think you could go without some sleep?"

In a flat tone of voice, Sookie said, "No. Not without dying. But I know nothing about business, so how would I do the job? I can't organise Eric's schedules. That's not really me."

"Okay, well what about working for Eric then at Fangtasia?"

"You're right," Sookie said with a sarcastic tone. "Why trouble the vampires who want to kill me, like Victor? They have to travel all the way to Bon Temps to do that now. I could save them valuable commuting time."

Rerite shook his head. "Well if you're there, Eric can keep you safe and keep an eye on you."

Sookie pointed an accusing finger in Eric's direction. "I've been staked in the same room as that man."

"But surely the bond will protect you..." Rerite tried.

"We were bonded, in the same room and someone threw an arrow at me. What makes you think being in the thick of a vampire bar is safe?"

"Don't you want to see more of Eric? Isn't that worth the price?"

"Eric has to work at work. He's a busy guy, community leader and head honcho and all that."

Eric chimed in, "She's right you know. I can't pay attention to her at work. If I am distracted, Victor will kill me."

"Well, why don't we just kill Victor, then, and all of your problems will be solved," Rerite said.

Eric hissed at him, "You stupid man. Killing Victor will not leave me free to do as I wish and not work. I survived the takeover because I work. Other vampires in my employ would kill her too. Victor is the third one of my enemies to try to cause her death."

Rerite huffed and threw his hands in the air, feeling dangerously close to a tantrum himself. "You've sidetracked the dialogue with pointless logic, so no working for you, Sookie! You win! The wedding is needed, and will go off without a hitch. They believe that you might find someone else to spend _your_ time with Eric."

Eric looked annoyed. "Do they believe me to be so fickle? I told Sookie in the last original writing that I hadn't given my blood to any other woman in hundreds of years."

"Well, they wonder why you put up with her."

With a sly smile, Eric said, "Did you notice that I said women to her? No mention of men."

"Eric! I get it! Stop it, please, you're a heterosexual man with no homosexual tendencies. I forbid you to talk about men in any way, except for killing them," Rerite was reaching his limits of tolerance for this style of upset. Eric was not gay, dammit!

Sookie cooled it all down. "Eric. Stop being difficult. I got it. I've seen you kiss men. A thousand years must give a bit of time for...ah, fluidity."

"Indeed my lover."

Rerite pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to be less angry than the vampire in the room, no matter how infuriatingly _fluid_ he was being. "Look, the original writings are a metaphor for gays coming out of the closet. We know this. The author is at pains to make it clear that she wanted gays to be accepted into society. But the focus group had people who found the whole idea distasteful in the extreme."

Sookie snorted. "Yeah, sure. They'll accept a killer before they'll accept a gay man...unless he's conveniently flaaaming!"

"Nevertheless, they think you should be worried more about the fact that Eric will leave you Sookie."

She frowned at him now. "Why would he do that?"

"To go out with all of the other women who want him," with an air of obvious deduction, and watch at the gall of the telepath in shrugging. _Shrugging! _These two were just getting on his last nerve. Stubborn did not _begin_ to cover it.

"He's had that chance all along. He didn't need to come after me at all. He's pretty enough to get himself a woman without coming after me at all."

"True, my lover. But how top calibre do they consider the fangbangers they've seen in the original writings?"

Rerite said without thinking, "Oh they think they're all whores."

"So they worry I will leave Sookie for someone they see as a whore?"

"Well, they think there are other women more like Sookie, but do as they're told. They seemed to place great stress on your need for an obedient wife."

Sookie looked like this was one big puzzle. "Then why on Earth did he pick the one woman he can't glamour?"

"The calibre of fangbangers doesn't tend to run as high as Sookie," Eric said with some delicacy.

"They feel sorry for you, Eric, that you must put up with it," Rerite told the vampire.

With an air of complete bewilderment, Eric said, "Why would anyone have to feel sorry for me? Am I that pitiful in their eyes?"

"The overwhelming feedback indicates that they see you as a virtual man-baby."

Eric said through clenched teeth, "They said this?"

"Well..no. What they did say is that you're a Saint to put up with Sookie. What we got from that is that you really don't know what you want, and need to be taken care of. That she didn't deserve you."

Sookie gave a joyless bark of a laugh, "The telepathic waitress isn't good enough for the thousand year old killer? Did you poll fangbangers?"

Rerite nodded. "Yes, some of them did call themselves that."

Sookie scoffed. "Well why listen to them? Selah was a high price fangbanger. She'd be with anything with fangs. So would Ginger. They don't think Eric himself is particularly more special than Bill."

In what was possibly the most thoughtless – and risky - move of his life, Rerite blurted, "What are you talking about? Sookie's a low rent waitress who is uneducated and not particularly great looking. They think she's an embarrassment to you."

Eric moved faster than he could track. The vampire kept his eyes trained on the man, but was obviously talking to Sookie. "I'm going to get a True Blood before I drain this human."

Sookie waited until Eric left, and took on the attitude of a preschool teacher, explaining something simple to someone extremely stupid. "Sure. Like going out with a vampire makes your social status rise. Being called a fangbanging whore and a vamp humper is something most high-class women really love. Don't they remember that I had to get Bill accepted in Bon Temps? Even 'Crazy Sookie' had more status than he did."

Rerite looked appalled. "But he's beautiful, rich and powerful."

She shrugged. "He's also scary. The tourists in his bar are scared of him. Fangbangers like him, but not many other women go near vampires. Not regular people anyway. Underneath all that he's still a dead man who creates more dead people." She paused and gave him a sharp look. "It's not all rainbows being with a vampire, you know. They're dead in the daytime, work in the night time. The relationship will never go further than just being with them. There will be no babies, no nothing. Some girls stay with vampires for whatever reason and then leave to have a family. The original writer said that Amelia herself couldn't take the politics when it came to Pam. Most of the other women just want to be turned, because they think vampires' lives are fun. My cousin Hadley, well you know about her. She was a drug addict when she met her vampire lover. She was so shocked when she became a vampire that it wasn't all rainbows, she started talking about me and how hard it was for me to feel apart from humans. She'd never felt that way before. Before she'd left home, she was homecoming queen and all. Being with a vampire isn't very fun at all. I'm on the Fellowship hit list for it."

Rerite took the opportunity to ask a question he may have avoided if Eric was in the room. "Why don't you just talk to Eric about having children?"

"Why would I be so cruel? It's a bit of a blow for men not to be able to do something so fundamental to being a man. Lots of human men have problems with it, let alone a thousand year old prideful vampire. He had children when he was human, and they're all dead now. I'd be forcing pain on him for my own benefit. I bet he'd try not to involve himself. Remember what he put me through in the original writings "Mr. I-don't-like-having-feelings"? He'd probably do that to any children I had for the sake of his own self. Plus, you just know Victor would eat my children at a moment's notice."

"But you sometimes think about it," Rerite pointed out in a quiet way.

"I think about lots of things. Sometimes they don't go anywhere. Sometimes I'm wrong. They're thoughts. That's all they ever are."

Eric came back, with a definite vibe that said 'Flee tiny humans'. Rerite waited to see if the focus group would need a brave new soul in his place, until the vampire spoke. "I feel a little better now. You were saying that I am so much better than my wife. Have you not read in the original writings how well I take to insults to my lover? Did you read the tale of what happened to Sonny?"

Cowering slightly, Rerite pleaded, "Don't pop me in the mouth Eric. I'm just bringing the feedback to you. I don't personally feel that way. Don't hurt me."

"They can't think much of me, considering what they think of the woman that I love."

Rerite pounced on surer ground. "Oh no. They love _you_ Eric."

"But they think so little of my choice in women. How is it that they don't wish for me to break with Sookie in this book?"

"Well, they just want her to feel lucky that she has you," Rerite offered.

"These creatures…Are they familiar with many women who pick up running men on the roadside, take them in and care for them and who wish to date vampires?"

Rerite was stuck. "Well..no. I don't think there are many people like that. Well obviously, we've covered the fangbanger thing. But they think you'll get tired of her insecurity and dump her for showing you up in front of other vampires."

"I run a tourist bar for viewing vampires," Eric said. "I menace humans and supernatural creatures all the time. I am well aware that I'm scary to most humans. My Sookie is brazen enough to brave that. There is a lot I would put up with for that. As for showing me up in front of other vampires, when has this happened?"

"Well, when she was dating Quinn," Rerite said, angling for a tantrum. This would do it, and Eric would help him.

"Indeed, she was mine, even then."

"Now you hang on there, buddy! You don't own me!" Sookie said in what Rerite would class as a slightly-more-outside-than-inside voice.

"I told you you were mine before you even went on a date with him."

"Remember how I responded to Bill?" Sookie held up one finger. "You don't own me Eric. Not on your say so. Not that you're going to listen to that, but hey, it's just my body right? Damn vampires! Well when else have I showed him up in front of other vampires?"

Rerite felt disappointment. Sookie hadn't stormed off, moved out of state, fled the room. There was no way he could lecture her for flipping the bird and talking loudly. He pressed on with hope anyway, "When you complained of the pledging."

Eric shrugged. "Victor didn't care what she thought. He was there to take her to the King. Sookie would have protested that too, and Victor just would have hauled her away anyway."

Sookie nodded in agreement with the vampire. "I don't know if you've noticed, but not many vampires care much about what I think."

"That's another thing fans have been frustrated about - your stubborn independence and your unfailing insistence that you're not like a couch, and don't seem to realise you belong to Eric," Rerite said.

"Well what do they think is better?" Sookie asked in a wary manner, bracing herself for the worst.

"Doing what you're told."

"So I should do as I'm told at all times? Who gives the orders?"

"Eric."

"Do they understand what a Sheriff is? Do they think I am at Fangtasia all the time because I don't like my house?" Eric questioned.

Rerite sighed. "We've covered that. The house is getting bigger. There will be more discussion of cleaning products, and at night, a catalogue of the paperwork Eric does. But he'll be doing it at his house. You can do some more reading then Sookie."

She snorted. "This re-write is sure gonna be riveting. Will I be getting time to sleep at all, with all the reading and cleaning I'm going to be doing?"

"So my task is to get her to read and clean at all times?" Eric inquired with a frown.

Rerite shrugged. "I think so. Certainly she can't do anything dangerous."

"Does that count when Eric's in danger?" Sookie asked Rerite.

"Yeah I think it does."

"So if I see Eric in danger, then I should just sit back and let him handle it?"

"Yes. But they believe Eric can do anything."

"Like get out of silver chains Sigebert has wrapped around him?"

Eric gave an almost shiver. "Silver is quite damaging and incapacitating."

Rerite looked askance. "Well yes, but really Eric shouldn't be bound in silver. He's too smart for that."

"I've been bound in silver twice in the books. Does the focus group forget this?" Eric said.

"Well, going under the theory that if something bad happens to you, you were too stupid to not anticipate bad things happening, then yes," Rerite answered.

Sookie shook her head in confusion. "That doesn't make any sense. Eric would be King of the world if he could do everything at all times."

Eric agreed with her. "They tried that on the miniseries. Turned out the sun, silver and concrete were a problem, even for wannabe Kings of the world."

Sookie backed him up – almost as if they were a team – "See - even wannabe Kings of the world get done in by silver."

Rerite shook his head. "Except Eric."

"Well that doesn't make any sense at all," Sookie said with an eye roll.

"It's what the group wanted. It tested highly." Rerite glanced down at his papers to see what the next agenda item was, and so he couldn't tell which one of them whispered under their breath, almost too quiet to hear. "Stupid humans." He ignored it.

Rather than wait, Eric stood up and said, "I will return." He kissed Sookie on the top of the head, and left in a rush. Sookie didn't bat an eyelid, and Rerite again regretted that she didn't have a tantrum. He knew that Eric was going to feed, and the damn vampire had been all discreet about it. On the bright side, maybe the two of them would have some fireworks when he returned.

"We'll also be needing Bill for this next bit," Rerite said.

"I thought you said there was too much of Bill in the last book," Sookie said with a frown.

"I think they meant too much happy Bill. They want Bill to suffer because of what was in the previous books and the mini-series."

Sookie threw her hands in the air. "Yeah, well, why should Bill be happy? He only saved me from Lochlan and Neave. There's no reason he shouldn't suffer for that."

"Yeah, you do test as remarkably and stupidly forgiving."

In her most sarcastic of tones, Sookie said, "Well you wouldn't want forgiveness and humanity to dwell in my heart, now would you?"

"That stuff is for Eric," Rerite said simply.

"Eric doesn't need much of my forgiveness you know. Spending a bit of time with Bill is a little more exciting than cleaning and reading. It gives me something to talk about with Eric too."

"The focus group didn't want you talking about your ex with Eric."

Sookie's outrage climbed higher. "Great! So now I don't get to hear stuff about Pam either?"

Rerite quickly reassured her. "No, you get to hear about Pam. I know you're friends."

"She's Eric's ex though."

"It's not the same as you and Bill."

"Suuure it isn't. Bill wanted to be away from me after six months to go back to Lorena. Eric wanted Pam around for eternity."

"Stop derailing me. I have plans."

Sookie crossed her arms and waited.

"We intend to have Bill punished," Rerite told her.

"I'm thrilled to hear that. Saving me from Lochlan and Neave and wanting to sleep with me is worthy of punishment. It's good Eric wasn't there that night," Sookie said with an angry, ironic tone.

Rerite gave her back as good as he got, "Isn't it though? It could have been him having to do this. We're raping Bill."

"We're WHAT?"

"Raping him."

With an odd questioning note in her voice, Sookie asked, "So rape is a punishment?"

"To some," Rerite said.

Sookie's breath caught, she paused and said in a shaky voice, "What was I being punished for?"

"Loving Bill," Rerite said.

Her voice still small, she said, "What was Eric being punished for?"

"Leaving his house looking for someone to love," Rerite told her.

Sookie wiped away a tear or two and gave a laugh that sounded bitter and a little crazy. "Sounds like love is a bad idea."

Rerite was filled with remorse at the sight of her tears. In a kinder tone, he said, "It does. Are you okay?"

Sookie straightened her shoulders and steeled her gaze. "I can take this. I've heard worse...you know, in people's heads and out of their mouths."

Eric must have felt his lover's distress, and hightailed it back into the bar. Rerite marvelled at the utter lack of privacy the two of them must have. He wondered how fun that was when Sookie had PMS or Eric was in a murderous rage. Eric gently cupped her face and looked her all over. Sookie pressed her face into his palm, and the scene softened completely. Rerite didn't soften at all, and tried to scribble unobtrusively, but they heard the scratching of his pen, and the moment was lost. Eric sat down again, ready to resume.

To Rerite's disappointment, Sookie persisted in showing no signs of a damn tantrum. He was beginning to wonder if this focus group read the same books he'd read. He couldn't see a tantrum, but they kept talking about "all" of them. He'd seen a woman standing up to bullies who wouldn't listen to what she said and kept trying to force her, but no tantrum. There was no fit of bad temper without provocation. Rerite was pretty sure any woman would protest at a surprise marriage. Maybe the whole thing was when a woman stood up to a man, it was a tantrum; but when a man stood up to a woman, he was being manly and forthright. Nevertheless, he'd keep pushing her to see one of these famous tantrums. He'd try to stay away from the sensitive stuff though, like making it seem like it was her fault she got raped.

"I'm glad you're back, Eric. We need you to hear this. We're also going to have an incident where you can show Sookie publicly that you love her."

Eric looked wary. "How would I do that?"

"Well, Sookie will hear a bad thought about how someone wants you, Eric, then she'll tell you and you'll threaten to kill the woman in question."

Sookie's eyes bugged half out of her head. "Killing people is also romantic? What sort of love lives does this focus group have?"

"Well rest assured, Sookie. It will not break any of your precious no killing human rules. Eric will not actually ever kill the woman," Rerite assured her.

Eric looked leery. "That will make me look weak if I threaten to kill tiny humans as if I care what they think. Also, the BVA will need so many bribes if I threaten to kill people for their thoughts...and Katherine Boudreaux refuses Pam. Did this focus group live in a world without police?"

"You're a vampire. You can glamour the person," Rerite said in what he assumed was an obvious conclusion.

Eric frowned. "Then why threaten them in the first place?"

Rerite rolled his eyes, "To show Sookie you love her. It's romantic."

Sookie snapped at him, "I don't find it romantic. I shouldn't have to be scared all the time that I'll get someone killed. People are scared enough of me without the threat of death hanging over any of my trips out into public. I'd also appreciate not being outed as a telepath in public. I'm never coming out like the weres, shifters and vampires. That'd make my life a nightmare."

"Well there's the general feeling that people shouldn't think nasty things around you," Rerite said.

Sookie let out an exasperated gush of air. "Why do they think I call telepathy a disability? There's a whole bunch of people who _say_ nasty things, let alone _think_ them. Thoughts are much worse than mouths. There's no filter on thoughts."

Rerite shook his head. "I don't think that's true. The general feeling is that you should control your own thoughts too - only think good things. The focus group was in your head, and they think you think too many wrong things."

Sookie looked at him coldly. "Despite knowing I'm a telepath, you've thought of my boobs forty-seven times in the last hour. You can't even control yourself, and you know what I am." Eric scowled at Rerite, who flinched. Sookie continued,"I rely on my thoughts being private, just like everyone else does. I don't see why I have to control myself inside. I'm not supposed to know that I'm in a book where everything will be alright."

Rerite decided to ignore the whole boob issue, even if they were nice, and stick to the main point. "The group thinks you doubt Eric too much."

Sookie sighed. "Well of course I do. There's a difference between what I say and what I think."

Rerite shook his head. "They don't see it that way."

Eric said, "It makes me happy they don't see inside my head."

Rerite looked at him with shock. "You only think good things."

Eric smiled widely at him, a picture of winsome innocence, with his beautiful face, "Sure. Like about puppies and my love for Sookie."

Sookie giggled at Rerite's ability to be sucked in by someone who would as soon snack on him than talk about puppies. "Uh huh? So Eric never has doubts, and says what he thinks?"

Rerite drew himself back to the here and now. "Ummm...yeah, that does seem to be the general consensus."

Eric scoffed, and the winsome innocence was gone. "These people are worthy of being eaten for supper."

Rerite said gently, "You're having problems with modern idioms. That's meant to be eat these people for breakfast."

Sookie replied, "He's dead for the day, completely. He's not up for breakfast. I wouldn't let him kill them, no matter what he thinks they're worth."

"Well, the general thinking is that you should just allow Eric to kill who he wants to kill, otherwise you're not accepting that he's a vampire."

Sookie narrowed her eyes at Rerite and leaned in close. "Bill tried that line. I told him that he had to remember I'm human. I don't have to put up with killin'. I'm human. I don't have to kill."

"Humans kill other humans all the time," Eric reminded her.

Sookie looked at him with some affront. "Not all humans."

"True enough."

Sookie turned back to Rerite. "I'm one of those humans who happen to think vampires are no better or smarter than us. No matter what vampires might say - that's just great PR."

Eric lamented, "It's true. She hardly encourages me to kill anyone. I think you should appeal to the focus group I should be able to slaughter a room full of small children if I want to. Be showered with babies! That's agreeable to them, yes?"

Rerite felt uncomfortable with the amount of relish Eric seemed to take in being showered with human babies. "I don't think small children is what they had in mind. More criminals, bad people, killers, torturers."

Sookie burst into laughter and looked slyly at Eric. "Well you wouldn't want someone who murders people and tortures people running around the place."

Eric glared at her, and Rerite could almost see the dreamy thought of baby showers falling from his eyes. This conversation was just too disturbing for words, and he steered them onto the next topic.

"One of the new scenes we're including is a scene where Eric gives you a gift, a piece of jewellery, Sookie, and you accept it graciously."

Both Eric and Sookie looked at Rerite blankly.

"Why?" Sookie asked first.

"Well, they feel that you don't accept things from Eric graciously, and they're sick of you refusing anything he gives you."

Eric's brow creased. "What have I given her that she's refused?"

"Ummmm..."

Sookie still looked blank. "I can't think of any gifts you've given that I've refused. I can't recall refusing any gift I've been given."

Rerite looked at the papers, "Well, according to this, there's something about an expense account at a store?"

Eric shook his head. "She took that. My day man paid the bill and I saw the clothes at Rhodes. That was a business expense. I claimed it on my taxes."

It was Rerite's turn to frown now. "Have you refused any expense account at a store?"

Sookie shrugged. "From Bill, I didn't like that he told all the storekeepers to indulge my whims. I did actually use it to replace some underwear he ripped."

Eric looked incredulous. "Really? Ripped?"

Sookie waved his question away. "It's a Bill thing. Let's not dwell on it Eric."

Eric shook his head in absolute amazement.

"It did test highly as an Eric thing to do, despite it being a Bill thing in the original writings. Maybe we can include it in the rape scene."

Both of them burst out loudly in the same instant. "The _WHAT_ scene?"

"The rape scene. With the rise of the mini-series, the focus group wanted to see a more forceful Eric, who makes you do as you're told. He likes you both feisty and obedient...I'm not quite sure how that works out, but apparently it's do-able."

"Well I refuse," Sookie said in an adamant tone of voice, with pure stubborn foolishness.

Rerite patted her on the arm. "It's perfectly alright if he rapes you. If he gives you an orgasm, it's not rape. It's hot."

"Even if I cry, say No and don't resist for fear of being hurt by a huge vampire? Would Bill in the trunk have made it all better with an orgasm?" Sookie was starting to get agitated, and Eric just looked grim and angry.

"Even then. Probably, you'll fall more in love with him for being a brilliant rapist. He's Eric. He does everything perfectly. Even rape."

Tears came to Sookie's eyes, and Rerite watched the fear wash over her. "But wait...don't they want Bill to be horribly maimed because of that?"

"Yes, but he's Bill. Bill is not Eric. So, when Bill does something, it's bad, but if Eric does the exact same thing its good," Rerite told her.

"I'm aware that Bill is not Eric. What do you mean by things Bill does being bad and Eric doing them being good?" Sookie asked.

"Well, if Bill orders you to stay inside, it's because Bill's controlling you. But if Eric does it, it's because he cares. When Bill calls you stupid, it's because he's a very bad man, but when Eric calls you stupid, it's because Eric knows you're stupid. When Eric is jealous and possessive, it's hot, when Bill does it, it's repetitive," Rerite informed her.

Sookie looked shocked, and Eric looked angrier still. "Bill did tend to be more controlling, and thought I was stupid, and was jealous and possessive. Not Eric - not particularly compared to Bill anyway."

Eric's voice, now that he used it was filled with simmering anger just under the surface. "It seems to me that these human women are far more appreciative of Bill than they make out. Are you sure that they were indeed fans of the Eric and Sookie relationship? I don't rape anyone in the mini-series, do I?"

"No," Rerite assured him. "You have willing partners in that as well."

"But they feel rape is something I would want to do? I am that desperate and cold to them?"

"A small section," Rerite admitted. "They think this is something vampires do."

"Yeah, vampires like Mickey. Do they see Eric as no different to Mickey?" said Sookie. "Why are they wanting me with a man like Mickey?"

"Mickey is perhaps their ideal partner. It baffles me too, to be honest," Rerite replied.

"I'm uncomfortable with the focus group wanting this," Sookie said. "Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to this re-do. The idea fills me with terror."

Rerite looked at her with understanding eyes. "I understand, truly I do. But you have to understand that you're almost always wrong. I have to write it in excruciating detail, so I think you should feel more sorry for me. But you should also feel sorry for Eric that he had to subdue you. Overwhelmingly, the feeling is that you should feel lucky. He'll buy you stuff if that makes you feel any better, like cable television and pretty clothes."

In a flat and utterly cold voice Sookie said, "It doesn't."

Eric snarled at him. "I'm not doing it. See if you can force a vampire such as I to do that sort of thing. What sort of breather would suggest such a thing? One that breathes through their mouth, solely?"

Sookie took Eric's hand. "That's a 'mouthbreather' Eric, and yeah, I think that's pretty accurate."

Rerite saw that they presented an absolutely united front. He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Okay, okay. We'll take that out. Some of the people who pushed hard for it, hadn't even read the books."

Neither of them relaxed, so Rerite thought they needed to decompress the situation. "I'm going to leave you two alone, run out and get myself a coffee, and we'll meet back in an hour." He thought about asking them that if they had sex, they could use the digicam to record it, but he didn't think that would be the best course of action right now.

Rerite found himself a coffee, and wandered around in the nearby commercial area, and finally, when he felt centred again, he went back to Fangtasia. His work was almost done. The finish line was in sight. One last hurdle, then off to work, and back home. There was no killing, but he had hoped there would be, soon…

When he came back into the bar, Sookie was sitting on Eric's lap. She was whispering into the vampire's ear, and the smile on Eric's face was such an unguarded one. He heard a giggle, and Eric whispered something back to her. All too quickly Eric noticed Rerite, and Sookie hopped straight off Eric's lap. That should never have happened. Maybe Eric really _did_ have vampire senses, and she really _was _a telepath. Must be hard to catch them doing anything.

He'd have to change this lack of public affection – the focus group favoured it highly. This pair seemed to want privacy instead of spectacle. That's nothing like all the porn films he'd ever seen. Normal couples did it everywhere, and they didn't object one single bit if half the neighbourhood walked in and joined in or made comments like an audience. They went new places they'd never been before, supposedly to see the sights, but really, it was to fuck.

Once he was through, humans wouldn't be able to go to a public place without hearing Eric and Sookie being considerate of social norms and screwing to disrupt everyone else's shopping trip with their kids, or someone else's romantic dinner. Perhaps on the next do-over (and who was he kidding, there _would_ be another) he would have a steady plan of action to get them to the stage of rutting like animals in the street. If a police officer tried to arrest them, Eric could glamour him….could vampires concentrate on glamour while they were orgasming? He didn't know. He'd find out the next do-over.

Rerite sat down again, and regarded them. They seemed okay about things again, after that little…scuffle. He forged ahead. "The focus group also wants Sookie to rethink turning into a vampire. They believe she's being selfish in not dying."

"I'm sure your group can't wait to read about the paperwork I'll have to file on that," Eric said. Rerite couldn't tell if he meant what he said or not. Eric seemed to like his paperwork yesterday.

Sookie, meanwhile, exclaimed,"_Jesus Christ Shepherd of Judea!_ So I give up my house, car, job, friends and my life?"

Rerite could feel the tantrum in his bones. It was working its way up. Apparently, _all _he had to do was suggest her rape, and then her murder, and she'd get all uppity and demanding! What a selfish woman she was. Always thinking about her own well being! They were right.

Rerite regarded the telepath with smugness. "Apparently that's what love is. Giving up everything else you love. That's what the focus group wants you to realise."

Sookie said through thin lips, "So Eric is going to give up...?"

"Nothing," Eric said with no inflection.

Rerite nodded. "He's right - nothing."

"I know how this works now. I get absolutely everything I want. They're called the Eric Northman Chronicles, aren't they?"

"Foof Eric! They're called the Sookie Stackhouse books. They're told from inside my brain."

"Yeah, we're renaming them," Rerite said.

Eric looked blank. "They will have many exciting hours of paperwork and feature bonus marketing tips. Also, much talk of politics."

"Well that's marginally better than the cleaning fest going on in my head. And my dead to the world," Sookie said.

Rerite shrugged. "It's what the focus group wants - they can't stand for one minute to be less than satisfied with the outcome."

Eric said with an undertone of rage,"But for Sookie, that's alright?"

Rerite had a moment of epiphany. "Well...yes."

Sookie stood up, went over and hugged Eric, kissing him for all she was worth. "I can't believe I dreamed of a man I could spend my life with, who wouldn't ask me to change who I was, what I was, who could accept all of me, who I could relax around, and who would respect me. Thanks to this focus group, I might as well have married a human man and put up with no orgasms, no relaxation and had the same deal, but with babies. I'd love to be a mother, and with a human man, I could have that...you know, if I didn't have pride and self respect."

A tear coursed down Eric's cheek, as he stroked her hair staring deeply into her eyes. "I can't believe I dreamed of a woman I respected, could spend time with, who would want me for me and didn't care about what I could give her. One who would be my match, not my clone or my servant. I only had that when I was a human man."

Rerite clapped his hands in joy. "Okay, you've finally given in to the needs of the focus group rather than selfishly thinking about what you really want, let's do this thing! I hope you've got plenty of bleach. Oooh and Eric, you might want to buy stocks in that. An eternity of cleaning! The group will be thrilled!"

With blank looks on their faces, Sookie and Eric held hands, squeezed once and turned to march to their doom. "Crappe Rerite, here we come."


End file.
